Making space for your becoming
Did you know a caterpillar completely breaks down before becoming the butterfly?
Lately I’ve been pondering this:
Does the caterpillar know what’s going to happen to it when it enters the cocoon? Does it know that it is about to undergo a complete transformation and come out the other side as an entirely new creature— the butterfly?
After some research I came to learn this about the metamorphosis process:
The caterpillar completely dissolves.
(Um. WHAT!?)
The caterpillar’s body releases enzymes breaking it down into basically goo— or in other words, a cellular stew. The caterpillar’s body apparently has special cells that contain the blueprint for becoming the butterfly. They were always there but only become activated through the process of metamorphosis. After the dissolution of the old body it rebuilds itself as the butterfly. (Seriously. How METAL.)
This is a very literal example of breakdown before the breakthrough.
The caterpillar likely does not have conscious thought about this whole ordeal. No, “Hey you know what? I’m ready for a change. Today’s the day I step into the cocoon and turn to goo.” Instead it likely just follows instinct. A total surrender, a total trusting. No resisting, no questioning, no overthinking— just an instinctually driven transformation.
It’s certainly been on my mind a lot lately as I contemplate my own cocoon era— a season of deep transformation. Unlike the caterpillar though I am struggling with just trusting the process. I want all the answers like, yesterday! I want to have full and total control. I want to know what exactly is going on and what will be waiting for me on the other side of all the chaos.
There is an internal resistance to letting go of my old self. A resistance to stepping fully into the cocoon and embracing a wholehearted surrender. The thing about the cocoon is there’s only room for one. I’m sure it’s dark, lonely, and disorienting in there. But the caterpillar doesn’t stuff its hypothetical pockets with hypothetical remnants of its old life in attempts to bring them with it— so why am I?
You know the old saying… “Your new life is going to cost you your old one?”
Yea. Same.
The process the caterpillar undergoes to become the butterfly is so deeply resonating with an experience many of us humans go through too. When referring to periods of deep healing or spiritual inquiry, you often hear the terms “cocoon era” or “dark night of the soul.” What’s particularly interesting to me is the fact that caterpillars have these special and somewhat secretive cells for transformation that don’t get activated until metamorphosis. The fact that these cells contain a blueprint, an internal map, of how to become something completely new… I’d call something like that… destiny.
As I contemplate the human transformation process I wonder, do we too have a hidden yet inherent blueprint within? One that gives us instructions for fulfilling our soul calling, our destiny? A map for our own unbecoming and rebirth, only to be revealed after a complete and utter dissolution of the old self?
There is a knowing that my current life conditions are not conducive for undergoing a complete and utter transformation. There is a whisper within asking for more space, more stillness. To cultivate an actual cocoon to hold me as I break down into a cellular stew (kidding… kind of ;))
Relatable Internet Musings
Lately, I’ve found a lot of validation on the internet to affirm that I’m not alone in my current experience. I stumbled across a video on Instagram by one of my favorite creators, Florence Given. In it she talks about how she took pretty drastic measures when she was in her own process of (un)becoming. She talked about blocking friends and family on the internet and taking measures to make space for her new self to fully form. She touched on the struggle to really step into your new self when surrounded by people and places still attached to your old identity.
I also find resonance in a reel by Lizzie Tilia, where she shared how, when she first started following her soul callings to share on social media, she posted on secret and fake accounts so no one she knew would see. (Super relatable, heh.) Once again, an act of making space from the old self so the new one could have adequate room to grow and bloom.
And finally, George Puolo’s words really resonated with me this last week too (though I can’t remember on which platform I read or heard it!) He said something along the lines of how it’s getting really hard to be anything but his true self— and I so felt that.
When you realize that your life is in need of changing, it’s easy to feel like you need to upend everything and make drastic and sudden changes— hello urgency! I am certainly no stranger to that! (Lol). In all honesty it does feel like an emergency sometimes. It truly is becoming unbearable to be anything other than my full, authentic self. My capacity for self stifling and suppression is becoming very loudly and blatantly low. I’m less able to tolerate places, relationships, activities that don’t feel safe, nourishing, and welcoming of my fullness. My internal reaction to things that feel out of alignment is big. A fiercely protective and self advocating part of me wants to eradicate all things that don’t feel right in my life at the moment. But I remind myself that this is not an emergency. It is in the small, methodical movements that we end up making big, lasting change. Metamorphosis doesn’t happen all at once, after all.
I’ve also found it helpful to pause, reflect on how far I’ve come, and celebrate my progress. A year ago I was still in relationships that didn’t feel safe, spending time in spaces that didn’t support my authentic expression, and really struggling with setting boundaries and honoring my true feelings. I see how far I’ve come in learning to honor my truths rather than to abandon them. Although there is more work to be done I’m simply very proud of how much I have grown, and am excited to know I will only grow more.
Changes need to be made in my life to support my own (un)becoming— but I need not rush, I simply need to trust. In my micro movements I am on my way to my very own metamorphosis.
Just like a seed needs the nutrients for growth, we do too.
Just like a caterpillar needs time alone in the cocoon, we do too.
With all this talk on cocoons I wanted to shout out a writer and publication I adore,
at ! I love her reflections and each week when I sit down to read the latest essay it feels like I’m sitting down for a cozy cup of tea with a soul friend. ♡
Some community reflections
Have you experienced a cocoon season? What was it like?
How have you navigated your own process of transformation?
What supported you in your time of metamorphosis?
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With gratitude,
Thanks for the love on the last post. ICYMI, here’s the link!
Lastly, here’s a song that’s been lifting my spirits through these heavy times!
This is indeed a masterpiece, I resonate with this piece because am presently in my cocoon stage.
I looooooved this, Sydney. As no stranger to the cocoon era, I felt every word. As I was reading the part about wanting things to change urgently (because hello, same), I thought of the part of the process where the butterfly has to pry itself out of the chrysalis. If it comes out too soon it can die because breaking through develops its wing strength—if it has help or comes out sooner than it should it won't be able to fly.