Depression is a four letter word

The gift of feeling it all

Depression is a four letter word

A poem from my heart to yours ♡

This poem came to me the day after a wave of my depression lifted. It was early morning and just as I started sipping on my coffee and settling in to my normal meditation spot— I heard these words bouncing around my brain:

“Depression is a four letter word.”

I had heard this phrase for a few days now. I could tell there was something there… an idea asking to be alchemized into form. And finally it hit— this poem was it.

When I started writing the poem I found myself asking the ominous voice in my mind: “What four letter word? What are you referring to?”

Then I decided to look up four letter words related to depression. I uncovered it wasn’t just one word, but many. That was it. Depression could be encompassed by many four letter words.

As I sat reading my newly crafted poem, I felt both sadness and awe. Finally I felt distanced from this gripping experience and yet, I knew it captured it perfectly.

As I got on to Substack the first note I saw was this by

McCall Erickson

:

And this is exactly how I felt about depression. This too is indeed aliveness.

Depression feels almost synonymous with a bad word. It can have such a sticky connotation— insinuating illness or something being wrong with you.

But I’ve come to view my experience with depression differently— simply just that. An experience. A part of my aliveness, and a beautifully meaningful one at that.

Perhaps my poem captures your experience too. Perhaps it can remind you that you’re not alone in this experience. Perhaps it can remind you of the cyclical nature of life— its impermanence and ever-changing momentum.

No feeling is final, no feeling is forever. But feeling is a part of being human— a big part. So often our feelings act as messengers, carrying wisdom in their own unique and sacred way.

I’ve come to understand my depression as being a part of my depth. A part of my own cyclical nature. Death, rebirth. Shadow, light.

My first therapist used to tell me this when I was feeling overwhelmed by my pain:

“The depth of your pain is equal to the depth of your joy.”

Although depression, pain, and despair can all feel heavy and overwhelming, I like to think of my depression as my body’s intuitive request for a reset. When I’m feeling sad, uninspired, a lack of energy— it’s my body’s way of getting rest. It also feels like a purging, a cleansing of sorts. My body holds a rhythm of wisdom I can’t always consciously make sense of— but I trust I don’t need to. I just need to witness and listen.

In making room for the darkness, I make room for the light. For we come to know something through knowing its opposite.

What a gift it is to experience all that there is to be a human— depression and darkness and all.

I will forever and always be a little Monster (any other Gaga fans out there?!) Lady Gaga shared about her relationship to her own darkness through this song from her upcoming album. If you haven’t heard it, I suggest giving it a listen and/or watching the music video! Her music has been impacting me since childhood. I deeply appreciate her candidness and advocacy for mental health, too.

The greatest gift to ourselves is grace: unconditional friendliness, compassion, and care. It is so easy to make a villain out of the various parts of ourselves— but in reality, no part of us is our enemy.

“Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together.”

- Pema Chödrön ♡

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Big hugs to you dear reader. As always, a warm thank you to you for being here.
With love,
Sydney Xx

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